Don’t Look Ahead!

Does it exist? Does looking ahead exist? Ever since PhD candidate Richard Curry and his supervisor Brian Owen created Spectrum AI software, the controversy has been growing. And the Don’t Look Ahead movement has become more and more powerful. What does this mean for the world?

As soon as Richard and Brian completed their analysis of the first live customer data, they rushed off for a meeting with Fortune 500 President Meryl Hannity. The President’s team had requested the meeting and agreed that it was critical. They were surprised to be kept waiting outside while the President celebrated a birthday in her team and met with some important social media personalities. Finally, the next morning, they met. Richard and Brian laid out their case, proving they could look ahead, predicting future customer retention and NPS with 84% accuracy.

“Ah…” said the president’s Chief of Staff Novax Jokeovich, “So you can’t prove looking ahead works. And it is inaccurate. This means it does not exist.” President Hannity nodded her agreement and then had to rush off for an extremely urgent meeting with Chief Flower Arranger Khloé Minaj.

Despite never watching television, Curry and Owen decided they would use the most popular information channel in America to get their message across. It did not go as planned. They were frustrated by the constant questions about views expressed on the topic by social media scientists and by Doctor Facebook. Did they choose the right TV network to get their message across?

As trusted science star Gwyneth Kardashian pointed out recently, the only reliable news source and indeed the most popular source on the planet is Wolf News. Here is what reliable Wolf News spokesperson Tucker Cruz had to say on the topic after the interview: “Obviously, looking ahead to understand customers is impossible. The future does not exist yet, so we cannot possibly look at it.” There you have it: the definitive answer. It simply can’t be done.

Despite the Wolf News disaster, the Look Ahead message gained momentum. More and more customer scientists demonstrated that using the technology does indeed identify customers who want to change suppliers and allows actions to be taken before they leave. The customer scientists contrast this with the use of surveys, saying that these only identify what has already happened, and then only for the small fraction of customers who respond. The reaction to this position has been strong.

Fortune 500 President Hannity’s staff united behind a public position then unanimously voted in the Don’t Look Ahead Act. The act notably includes a statement that the second amendment to the Fortune 500 constitution includes the right, even the duty, to “bear surveys.” As they say, “Surveys were good enough for our grandparents and our parents. They are good enough for us. We have a moral obligation to examine our past, and only our past. Don’t Look Ahead!

President Hannity herself continues to rely exclusively on surveys. Yes, it is true that she is constantly surprised by clients who choose not to renew their leases with her real estate company, but as she says, “After leaving, they had the courtesy to tell us why they left, and we are working on those problems. The biggest problem is not what the customers are saying. The biggest problem is the ridiculous notion that you can look at operational data to read the minds of customers and predict what they will do before they do it. I have a great mind. People tell me mine may be the greatest mind of all time. Even I can’t do this, so it is impossible. Richard Curry and Brian Owen have published fake science, the fakest of all science. Don’t listen to them.”

Now the protests have reached the streets, chanting “Don’t Look Ahead! Don’t Look Ahead!” The future seems uncertain. Where will things go from here? Let’s use Spectrum AI to find out.

News Flash

We understand that Meryl Hannity has agreed to play all roles in the forthcoming blockbuster based on this story. “We find we make a great team, learning a so much from each other,” she explained, looking in the mirror.